Your Breakup Reversed
Your Resource For Getting Your Ex back
The Ten Biggest Reasons You Might Get Dumped
Breakups happen more than you may think. That is what it’s like in the relationship world. You may have experience one yourself. The good news is that if you break up with someone it really is not the end of the world, although you may feel that way at the time. Couple move on or get back together which is what you will do also. If your goal is to get back together with your ex it is doable so do not give up hope. Check out this video to see what the most common reasons for breaking up are. Be on the lookout for these in your relationship.
12 Get Your Girlfriend Back Mistakes You Must Avoid
Check out this article about
trying to save your relationship with your girlfriend without messing it up or
making things worse. Also included is twelve mistakes you absolutely do not
want to make to get her back.
How to Get Your Girlfriend Back -
Avoiding the Twelve Biggest Breakup Mistakes and "Pet Cemetery"
In this article I will be
introducing you to "Pet Cemetery Persuasion" and why it is one of the
biggest mistakes you can make when trying to salvage a relationship. Learning
the differences between this faulty type of persuasion and the more elegant
methods will not only help you get your girl back but ensure that the two of
you have a happy and successful future together. Also, towards the end of this
article, we will be discussing the twelve biggest breakup mistakes I see guys
make time and time again and why it's so important to avoid these deadly
blunders.
During a breakup, it's very common
for guys to use a variety of persuasion techniques to convince their
girlfriends to take them back. Unfortunately, most of the techniques that they
attempt to use are detrimental to re-establishing a happy relationship. One
such technique is referred to as "Pet Cemetary Persuasion." This is a
blanket term for when someone uses guilt, threats or any other persuasion
strategy that makes others feel forced into doing something against their will.
This usually results in negative consequences for the persuader.
It is easiest to explain Pet Cem
by using a conversational example. And although this article is written from a
man's perspective, I feel that it is helpful to examine some of the mistakes
that women make in relationships, as well. In the following conversation, Lisa
is doing her best to persuade her husband, Joe, to accompany her to the most
dreaded of all places: his mother-in-law's.
Lisa: "Joe, my mother just
called and wants to make dinner for us tomorrow. We need to be there by six at
the latest so make sure you get home from work on time."
Joe: "What are you talking
about? The guys are coming by for poker tomorrow. You know Friday is poker
night."
Lisa: "Well, my mother wants
us there, so you'll have to cancel your game."
Joe: "Honey, you can't tell me
the night before that you made other plans for us. I have seven people showing
up tomorrow. I can't just cancel on them last minute. We can go to your
mother's on Saturday."
Lisa (becoming angry): "We
haven't been to her house since Christmas and all she does is ask about you.
I'm sick of making excuses for why we never visit. It's important to me that we
see her and if you love me, it should be important to you, too. Why is it so
hard for you to show that you care about me?"
Joe: "I do care about you and
it is important to me. But the point is that you're forcing me to change my
plans at the last minute. We can see your mom some other day. It's no big
deal."
Lisa (about to explode):
"Damn it, Joe. It is a big deal but you just can't get it through your
head. Well, maybe this will help. Call your friends right now and tell them
that the game is cancelled. And if you don't finish those calls in the next ten
minutes, your poker buddies will never be allowed to set foot in this house
ever again. Until you start showing me some respect, I have to treat you like a
little boy. Now go pick up the phone."
Joe (storming off): "Ok,
fine."
Lisa just made some serious
persuasion mistakes in the above example. Were you able to pick them out? If
you are somewhat unsure about where she went wrong or have ever found yourself
in a similar verbal exchange with someone, you need to pay close attention to
the rest of this chapter.
BURYING THEM IN THE PET CEMETERY
Pet Cemetery
Persuasion falls under the category of what persuasion expert "Doktor
Sulo" refers to as "one-shot persuasion." This term comes from
the world of sales and is used to differentiate the selling methods used with a
customer whom you will only be dealing with once, and the methods of "long
term persuasion," which are used when it's best to foster a long-term
buyer-seller relationship.
For instance, a used car
salesperson will usually pitch his prospects in a different way than would a
financial advisor. The car salesperson might use certain techniques to engage
his prospect's emotions, bring them to a fever pitch and take advantage of
their current emotional state. He won't have to worry much about how he'll be
perceived by his customer in the future because he knows they will probably
never see each other again. This can increase the temptation to resort to
deceitful or unethical sales practices.
The financial planner, however, will
be in touch with his clients over a long period of time, so it's in his best
interest to create a long-term positive perception of himself which will help
to ensure repeat business. The difference between these two methods is
equivalent to chopping a tree down to get at the apples, and using a ladder so
you can pick the fruit each season for years to come.
When it comes to romantic
relationships, it makes obvious sense to think of your partner as someone with
whom you would want to foster long-term rapport. And just like a smart
financial planner, you need to keep in mind that all your persuasive efforts
should result in a win-win situation for both parties. If not, you will
eventually have to deal with some serious buyer's remorse.
Sadly, it seems that people use
all sorts of sneaky tactics to get what they want from their partners and then
act surprised when they have to deal with the backlash. How do you act when
things aren't going your way? Do you nag, whine, chastise, place blame,
withdraw, berate, or belittle? These are all examples of Pet Cemetery
Persuasion.
The name for this concept was
inspired by a popular Stephen King book entitled, "Pet Cemetery."
And just in case you haven't read it (or seen the movie) here is the gist of
what happens:
A woman has a cat she loves very
much. While she is away on vacation the cat is killed. Her husband becomes
distressed over the situation and looks for a way to fix the problem before his
wife returns.
Somehow, he hears about an old
Indian burial ground not too far from where he lives. It is rumored that
whatever is buried in this sacred ground comes back to life. Of course, the man
is skeptical, but he decides it can't hurt to give it a shot and see what
happens.
Before he can make it to the
cemetery, an old Indian approaches the man and warns him about his course of
action. The Indian says that while things buried here do come back to life,
they will never be the same. But the man fails to heed this advice, and buries
the cat regardless. A few days later, the cat returns to the house looking a
little dirty, but otherwise in great shape and the man is thrilled. He thinks
that the cat is back just as it was before and that his wife will never realize
what had happened.
But as the days pass, the cat
starts to change. It becomes more rabid and demonic and attacks anyone who
comes near it.
When his wife returns, she is
happy to see "Fluffy" alive, but her happiness is short lived; her
son is struck and killed by a truck a few days later. Her husband refuses to accept
the loss of their child and decides to bury their son in the Pet Cemetery,
without his wife's knowledge. But this time, when little Junior comes back to
life, he goes on a vicious killing spree which leaves his mother dead and his
father barely alive.
While this is a rather macabre
example, having a strong visual in mind will make it much easier to understand
this next principle: When you try to coerce someone to do something against his
will, (while he is completely aware of it), you are metaphorically smacking him
over the head with a shovel and burying him in the Pet Cemetery. He may seem
fine at first, but you had better sleep with one eye open. He'll be back
shortly to say hello.
Remember the conversation between
Joe and Lisa? Let's take a look at what happens the day after their argument:
On the way home from Lisa's
mother's house:
Lisa: "It was really nice to
see mom again. I think she was happy to see us too. Wasn't the food
fantastic?"
Joe: (silence)
Lisa: "Honey?"
Joe: (grumbling) "Yeah.
Wonderful."
Lisa: "What's your
problem?"
Joe: (furious) "I went to
your dinner and you're still whining? What the hell is the matter with you? All
you do is nag and complain!"
Lisa (confused and getting angry
herself): "Why are you yelling at me? I thought we had a nice time tonight
and now you're starting in on me for no reason!"
Joe: "No reason? Are you
completely out of your mind? Just shut your mouth and let me drive!"
This is an example of what happens
when you allow yourself to get caught up in negative emotions and lose sight of
the bigger picture. When Joe refused to grant Lisa's request, she blew her
stack and dragged poor Joe, kicking and screaming, to the Pet Cemetery.
Lisa had plenty of other
persuasive options available to her, although she might not have been aware of
them. However, many people who don't know how to properly handle their anger
and frustration will resort to Pet Cem tactics because they will be oblivious
to the end result of these methods while easily satisfied by the immediate
gratification of their short-term results. In other words, the quickest and
easiest path to getting their way is the one they will choose.
For Lisa, her first attempt at Pet
Cem was to use guilt as a weapon. Instead of listening to the valid reason Joe
had for not wanting to cancel his game, Lisa accused him of not caring about
her. When Joe still refused to budge, she started using threats to get her way.
Under this kind of pressure, Joe had no choice but to concede and Lisa got the
result she was looking for. Things returned to normal shortly after...
...or did they? What Lisa didn't
notice was the growing resentment that Joe was harboring. It took a full day to
brew and then completely exploded in her face when she least expected it.
"Hi honey. It's me, Joe... back from the dead."
While there are many variations of
Pet Cem behaviors such as yelling, threatening, or begging, I feel that the
most dangerous is using guilt to get what you want. It's no secret that most
women are attracted to strong men and using guilt as a weapon is the tactic of
the weak and needy. But sadly, it also seems that guilt is usually the first
method people resort to when they can't seem to get their way, such as Lisa did
in the above example.
Now sometimes these strategies
will work. Just remember that whether you beg like a little child to gain her
sympathy or threaten to put her X-rated videos on the internet, the end result
is that your girl will feel coerced and will start to resent you, which is not
something you need in your relationship.
IS ALL PERSUASION MANIPULATIVE?
Many people may not realize that
there is a huge difference between persuasion and coercion. Persuasion makes
people feel good when they do what you want, whereas coercion is the evil twin
of persuasion. It's the equivalent of getting people to do your bidding at
gunpoint. In this case, you use a mental gun like a "guilt gun" or a
"blame gun" but it's still a weapon pointed right at their heads.
While they may do what you want, they will not feel good when they do it. It
will be like having to change someone's bed pan; you'll get it done because you
have to, but you'll be dragging your feet the whole way.
Using this kind of manipulation
strategy during a breakup (or before things get too far gone) can keep a
relationship going but it completely destroys the spark (the attraction) which
is the foundation for everything that you have. The Pet Cemetery
is such a great metaphor because at first glance, you think everything's great
because your relationship is alive and well, but upon closer inspection you
realize that things have changed drastically and your partner is just a poor
replica of who she was before. Your goal after a breakup should be to get the
same person back that you used to have, not to turn them into a whole new
person who hates your guts.
Think of a time when you felt
forced into making a decision that you were reluctant to make. How did you feel
about the situation? More importantly, how did you feel about the person who
was using a manipulation strategy? Is this the way you want your girl to feel
about you?
Here's a more extreme example that
illustrates Pet Cem clearly, albeit rather graphically:
Many years ago, I was watching an
episode of the show "America's
Most Wanted." This particular episode featured a beautiful twenty-five
year old blond named Samantha who was dating a twenty-seven year old successful
gym owner named Hans. They enjoyed a great relationship which progressed to a
discussion about marriage. Hans decides that he wasn't ready to get married,
but still wanted to be with Samantha. Samantha wasn't having it.
Eventually, she gave him an
ultimatum: "If you don't marry me, I'll go find someone else who
will."
Hans didn't balk and continued to
put the marriage off. So Samantha, frustrated, ran to Hans' best friend, Jack,
and told him her woes. Jack comforted her by calling Hans an idiot and saying
how any man would consider himself lucky to be her husband. The two continued
to talk to each other over several weeks and began to form an intimate
relationship. Less than a month later, the two (Jack and Samantha) got married.
Hans was completely distraught and
in shock over the double betrayal. Not yet content, Samantha went ahead and
poured salt in his wounds by expressing her total satisfaction with Jack. This
led to several confrontations between the two men and Jack warned Hans to stay
away from his wife.
A few weeks went by. Hans finally
called Samantha and threatened to kill himself if she didn't come back to him.
Samantha, touched by this confession, expressed her remorse over what had
transpired. She realized that she had made a mistake because she had loved Hans
all along.
This led to one last confrontation
between Jack and Hans. But this time, exchanging words was not enough for Jack,
so he took it a step further by hiring a hit man to kill Hans. Jack is now on
the run from the law for the murder of his best friend.
In a televised interview, Samantha
expressed how she had always wanted to be with Hans. "While Jack was fun
to be around," she said, "I knew it wouldn't last because my heart
belongs to Hans." Choking back tears, Samantha's final words were,
"And now I have nothing. I hope they catch Jack and prosecute him for what
he did."
Samantha had desired Hans all
along. But when things weren't going her way, she tried to bury her
relationship in the Pet
Cemetery to get what she
wanted. In actuality, her strategy did work to some degree and maybe if Hans
wasn't killed their relationship would have seemed normal again, for a little
while at least. But it never would have been the same.
This sort of thing happens all the
time, often in a less extreme way but with similar results. Typically, Pet Cem
behavior will rear its ugly head after a person has tried numerous ways of
getting what they want but to no avail. It's usually a very effective method,
since it attempts to persuade by taking away something that a person holds
emotionally dear to them. However, it's nothing more than a behavioral padlock
that restricts a person's choices to the extreme.
So remember that anytime someone
feels coerced against their will, it's a result of someone using manipulation
as opposed to persuasion. And since this can be extremely detrimental to a
continued positive relationship, you always need to look upon these inferior
methods as the equivalent to selling your soul to get what you want; while it
may seem like a victory, the person you manipulate will lose all respect for
you, and once that's gone you'll have nothing left.
This is even more dangerous when
it happens with a girlfriend or ex. I truly believe that women need to feel a
deep sense of respect towards their partners to be fully satisfied in a
relationship and any harbored resentment will eventually eat away at that
respect until it is completely consumed. So beware of turning your girl into an
evil "Fluffy" who will be secretly waiting for the right time to claw
your eyes out.
THE TWELVE BREAKUP MISTAKES YOU
MUST AVOID AT ALL COSTS
If you are currently experiencing
a recent breakup, the first thing you must do is look over the following list
of major mistakes and notice if you've been using any of them unknowingly,
along with making any Pet Cemetery mistakes as well. Of course, the next thing
to do is to stop these behaviors immediately. These mistakes are brutal
relationship killers and need to be avoided like the plague. Here are the top
twelve:
1. Refusing to "Shut Down the
Town" from the very beginning of the breakup
While it may at first seem
counter-intuitive, it's the most important part of this strategy and acts as a
foundation upon which everything else is built. The best course of action right
now is to stop taking her calls, stop talking to her friends, and avoid seeing
her in person.
2. Being too nice and
understanding. Telling her things like "I will wait for you," kissing
her ass, etc.
If you have ever studied the
science of Behaviorism, you will realize that the best way to train an animal
to behave correctly is by rewarding the behaviors you want more of and ignoring
the behaviors you would like extinguished. Obviously, the very act of breaking
up with you is faulty conduct and by being kind, understanding and "giving
her time," you are rewarding her behavior and tossing the bad dog a
biscuit.
3. Loving 100% to get your lover
back
This strategy, which one
relationship expert advocates, is in the same vein as mistake number two. This
person recommends, in a nutshell, being as sweet as pie to your girl no matter
how badly she treats you while also letting her know that you'll wait as long as
it takes.
While this strategy may work once
in a while, you are completely emasculating yourself in the process. Even if
your girl decides to eventually take you back, she will have lost a tremendous
amount of respect for you which will prevent the relationship from lasting.
Remember that how she takes you back is more important than when she takes you
back.
4. Displaying neediness
The first three mistakes all fall
under the umbrella of neediness. This is when your true feelings for your girl,
as well as your respect for yourself, become completely overshadowed by
desperation and misery. A lot of people actually misconstrue the feelings that
their neediness creates for actual love. I will do my best to explain this in
depth later on, but for now please realize that there is a huge difference
between the two. Showing neediness is one of the biggest killers of attraction
and must be avoided at all costs.
5. Losing your temper
Not being in control of your
emotions, including your anger, is another major mistake. When someone knows
exactly how to push your buttons to elicit an emotional reaction out of you,
they are holding a remote control for your brain which not only makes you lose
a tremendous amount of power but allows you to be easily manipulated.
Remember that there is a time and
place to blow up and let yourself yell and scream. But you must decide when
that time is and not just haphazardly respond to situations without conscious
choice. In other words, you must be in control of your emotional state and be
the one who chooses which emotions you display and at which times.
6. Refusing to date other women
Never underestimate the power of
the jealousy card. A woman will feel much differently about a man who is in the
field scouting for new women than she will about a man who sits home with his
buddies each night and drinks his life away. There should be no excuse that
keeps you from constantly prospecting, and by disregarding this important step
you are artificially inflating your girl's market price.
I need to make a very important
distinction between doing this the right way and using it as a Pet Cem
maneuver. You do not want to use other women as weapons, period. If you throw
it in your girl's face that you are dating (or sleeping with) other women
(either during the breakup or after the two of you are back together), it
becomes a cheap Pet
Cemetery tactic that can
easily backfire. However, if you keep it a secret and she finds out through
other sources, it will usually have a strong effect. The act of you not
flaunting it makes it that much more powerful.
The only time you should bring up
your exploits in conversation is if she asks you directly. Then, you can tell
her honestly that you've been seeing someone. Any faltering here looks like you
are hiding something. As long as you say it matter-of-factly and are not
seeking a reaction from her, this can easily make her very jealous.
7. Not having a detailed plan
Going into a breakup without a
clear-cut plan is like parachuting into the jungle, in the midst of a war,
without a map or compass. Things can get ugly out there and the last thing you
want to worry about is having to find your way out of the bush once your emotions
start clouding your judgment; one wrong move can lead you into enemy territory
where you'll be left emotionally captured, locked up and tortured for years to
come.
Also, a plan helps you stay
consistent with your original intent and this consistency is very powerful. A
lot of guys will attempt to stick with one approach, but then do the complete
opposite when it fails. For example, they may start off by begging their girls
to reconsider, and when that doesn't work, they may resort to threats and other
malicious behavior. Unfortunately, most girls can see right through this sort
of manipulation strategy and will immediately distance themselves from the
manipulator.
8. Not having a strategy to deal
with the emotional pain
Let's face it. A breakup can be one
of the most difficult and painful experiences in your life, and sometimes the
pain just gets to be too much. At this point, many guys look for any way out,
even if it means giving up their pride, self-respect, manhood, etc. Our girls
fell in love with us in the first place because of these traits, and laying
them down in the line of fire while waving a white flag is not going to have
your sweetie come running to clean off your wounds. Why would she? You're no
longer the man she used to love.
To prevent all this from
happening, you must have the proper tools on hand to deal with the mental pain
that may come up. Thankfully, I have compiled the most advanced forms of mental
medicine known to man and will be teaching them to you step by step. These will
make the difference between forcing yourself to follow the "Get Your Girl
Back System" and effortlessly doing what you need to do.
9. Allowing yourself to stay
"stuck"
Letting the breakup completely
stagnate your desire to move forward in life is one of the worst things you can
allow. Once your ambition falls to the wayside, it is only a matter of time
before severe depression sets in.
One of the most important things
in life is having a strong sense of purpose. A breakup can easily allow you to
forget what you are here to do, especially when living without your girl can
make life seem totally meaningless. This is a huge trap which has crushed many
men financially, emotionally and spiritually. Luckily, you will have all the
tools you'll need to push forward despite any feelings of hopelessness and
futility.
10. Failure to maintain a social
network.
You must allow yourself to see
your friends and maintain your sociability during a breakup. Otherwise, you
will end up like that guy from the movie "Swingers" who sat in his
house for weeks waiting for his girl to call. And remember, when you are out
with your buddies you are not allowed to talk about your girl! The whole point
of going out with friends is to get your mind off the situation and to learn to
have fun without a girlfriend in your life. Also, if you constantly drone on
and on about the breakup, your friends will eventually tire of it and stop
inviting you out.
11. Mistaking the reasons your
girl gives you for the breakup as the real reasons and acting upon those
instead
A woman will very rarely be
completely honest with you during a breakup. Sometimes she will try and explain
herself by saying things like, "I just need some time alone," and
"My life is so complicated right now," while at other times she may
be keeping you in the dark completely. I have found that the reasons why a girl
leaves her man are almost always the same universally, no matter what she may
tell you. And of course, she has very good reasons for not being completely up
front with you, which will be covered shortly.
12. Giving her ultimatums
Be careful of ultimatums! It can,
however, be a smart move to set up ultimatums in a relationship early on, such
as, "I don't tolerate dishonesty or cheating, and if that ever occurs
between us, I'm out the door in a heartbeat." By establishing boundaries
and refusing to allow your principles to be compromised, you will be setting a
good tone for your relationship. The problems start when you begin to use
ultimatums to manipulate unwanted behavior.
For example, when you say to your
girl, "If you don't stop hanging out with Monica, we're through," or
"If I ever see you flirting with that guy, you'll never see me
again," you're making a serious error. The problem with these kinds of
ultimatums (in addition to being Pet Cem tactics) is that they trap you. Most
of the time they won't have any effect on your girl's behavior (many women will
test you to find out if you're for real) and they will leave you stuck having
to dish out the consequences you previously threatened.
At this point, if you fail to
deliver on your threat your girl will realize that your words carry no weight
and will start to lose respect for you. And God forbid she realizes that she
can do whatever she wants with no repercussions. You'll be in for a world of
hurt, my friend.
Being careful enough to avoid the
mistakes we have just covered will make the road to getting your girl back that
much smoother. I wish you the best of luck.
Life coach and relationship expert
Jay Cataldo is [http://www.jaycataldo.com]New York Life Coach, the owner of Relate Right
Inc. and the creator of the GET YOUR GIRL BACK SYSTEM. You can receive his free
4 day Get Your Girl Back mini-course at http://www.getyourgirlback.com
Article Source:
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How to Get Your Girlfriend Back - Avoiding the Twelve Biggest Breakup Mistakes
and "Pet Cemetery"
Why Are You Trying So Hard To Get Your Ex Back?
You have broken up with your girlfriend, boyfriend, husband or wife - it does not matter. Now you want to get back together with the one you loved/your ex. It is something that can be done, but make sure you are doing it for the right reasons. Watch this video for some more insight on this subject.
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